Did a search and couldn't find a joke thread. I've seen this on other forums and it's very funny.... So let's see who has a good sense of humor.
I'll start with something simple

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

A little boy & little girl who are next-door neighbors, are out on Christmas morning, enjoying their new gifts/toys... & then, the little boy says:

----

Little Boy: "Hey, check it out: I got a G.I. Joe with the 'Kung-Fu' grip!"

Little Girl: "Big deal: I got Barbie AND her complete playhouse & car to go with her & the playhouse!"

Little Boy (feeling frustrated, knowing he's been 'outclassed'): "Well, I also got this new BB gun too!"

Little Girl: "Ah, no big deal again - My parents put 20,000 into my college fund in trust for me"

(THIS GOES ON & ON, w/ the little boy being 'outclassed' & outsmarted @ EVERY TURN!)

Eventually the little boy is SO frustrated, he unzips his pants & says:

Little Boy: "Yea, well... I GOT ONE OF THESE, & YOU DON'T!"

Little Girl: "You just don't get it, do you? I have one of these (little girl shows him same general area, if you catch my drift) & with ONE OF THESE? I CAN GET ALL OF THOSE, THAT I EVER WANT!"

----

(LOL!)



* Gotta love it, because IT IS TRUE!

APK

The bad thing about joke threads is that most, not all, of them will go where the rules will not permit. Or they try to push the envelop to see how far they can go.

We try to keep these forums so that anyone, anywhere, could be a member and not have any objectionable material. Hard to do since what may be acceptable in one place is not acceptable in another. For example, the one joke that is missing was not appropriate and the next one is borderline.

Please keep the above in mind. If I need to delete more then it won't be worth keeping the thread open. Thanks for your cooperation.

Dave

BTW, two men walked into a bar. The third man ducked.

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am ! I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh..... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.!
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you mini coopertin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you
like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITN! ESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar, drinking a cold beer & shooting the ****.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "So, how's the singing career going, Steven?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad, Eldrick. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Yeah, pretty good....I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "Say what, ********? You play golf? Get outta here!!"

Wonder says, "Oh yes, uh huh, mmm mmmm - I've been playing for years."

Woods says, "But you're blind! How the **** can you play golf if you can't see?"

Wonder replies, "Well, it's pretty straightforward - I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the
sound of his voice and play the ball toward him. Then, when I gets to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther
down the fairway and again, I play the ball toward his voice!"

"Oh My lord! But how do you putt?" asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
toward his voice."

Woods asks, "Lord Have Mercy, Steven. What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, Eldrick - I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "Steven - we've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Hmm - look - people don't ever take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, that's cool - I can take that to a party. When would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Up to you - pick a night"

LOL... "pick a nite"

(Good joke)

& the attorney/client ones, during examination/cross-examination? Heh, those are CLASSIC!



* Thanks for the laffs, guys...

APK

Originally Posted by DaveMo~

BTW, two men walked into a bar. The third man ducked.

Bwaaaahhh....



* Took me a second, but... it finally "caught on" here!

APK

A man asked his neighbor to help him move a sofa that was stuck in the doorway.

They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted but the sofa still wouldn't budge. 'Forget it,' said the man finally. 'We're never go to get it in.'

The neighbor looked at him and said quizzically 'In?'

PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

Jack, that's a GOOD one... I like it!



(Here is one you guys MAY have seen before, along the lines of Jack's "nerdy/geeky" computer-guy humor up there):

------------------------------------------

Operating Systems as beers:
================================

(MICROSOFT BREWERY FAMILY OF BEERS, 1st)

DOS Beer:

Requires you to use your own can opener, & requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, though improved in Version 6.22, many people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available (as its ingredients live on in other MS beers).

Windows 3.1 Beer:

Used to be the world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when opened.

Windows 9x/ME Beer:

Many people taste-tested it & claimed it's wonderful. Can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. Comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer & say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew. Like "Classic Coke" & it's fiascos vs. NEW COKE? Something happened on the way to ME, & got lost in the translation! Cans don't explode as much as Win3.x cans do!

Windows NT Beers (NT 3.x):

Comes in 32-oz. cans, & you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out & buy bigger refrigerators. The can used to look just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, & the company promised to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer started shipping. Touted as "industrial strength" beer, & suggested only for use in bars. The cans explode VERY infrequently.

Windows NT Beers (NT 4.x):

Comes in 32-oz. cans. This causes most people to have to go out & buy bigger refrigerators still again. Cans no longer looks like Windows 3.1 Beer's, & the company promised to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's & did so. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, & suggested only for use in bars but is used in homes. The cans explode VERY infrequently, less than previous versions.

Windows 2000 Beers:

Comes in 32-oz. cans. This causes most people to have to go out & buy bigger refrigerators YET still again. Can no longer looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's OR Windows NT Beers (slight embellishments on Windows NT 4.0 beer). Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, & suggested only for use in bars but is used in homes & for recreatinal purposes, but is not fully functional here as was Windows 9x beer. The cans explode VERY infrequently, even less than NT models.

Windows XP Beers:

Comes in 32-oz. cans. This causes most people to have to go out & buy bigger refrigerators AGAIN, YET still again. Can no longer looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's OR Windows NT Beers (embellishments on Windows NT 4.0 beer) & improves upon Windows 2000 beers. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, & IS NOT ONLY SUGGESTED FOR USE IN BARS ONLY & is quite regularly used in homes + for recreatinal purposes! Now, fully functional here in homes as was Windows 9x beer but w/ a more robust flavour. ALMOST NO CAN EXPLOSIONS!

Windows Server 2003 Beers:

Comes in 32-oz. & 64-oz. cans. This causes most people to have to go out & buy bigger refrigerators AGAIN, once more, YET still again but not so much for Windows XP/2000 beer users. Can no longer looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's OR Windows NT Beers but more like Windows XP Beer & Windows 2000 Beer's cans combined. It improves upon Windows 2000 beers' bar use capacity & Windows XP's home use capacity. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, & IS NOT ONLY SUGGESTED FOR USE IN BARS ONLY & is quite regularly used in homes + for recreatinal purposes! Fully functional in homes as was Windows 9x beer but w/ a more robust flavour & also for bar use as well it has been improved. Tends to go the best w/ the most side-dishes (software & hardware) w/ the least hangover & after-effects! Cans are rock solid & almost never, ever, explode.

Windows VISTA Beers:

Remember "Coke Classic" & "New Coke"? Well, equate VISTA to "New Coke"... you get the picture!

(APPLE BREWERY FAMILY 2nd)

Mac System 7/8/9 Beer:

At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

MacOS X:

A knock off of certain UNIX beer core ingredients (FreeBSD), came only a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a FULL FLAVOURED & ROBUST beer w/h a very pleasant taste & nice can. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it also opens itself & rarely explodes. The ingredients list is not on the can but as stated above, are widely known. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan. Many Unix family beer drinkers, & Microsoft family beer drinkers hide a use of this family of beers keeping it secret & preferring the beer itself to theirs, BUT finding it not as well-surrounded w/ accompanying side-dishes as is their family of beers & finding it VERY expensive to purchase.

(IBM BREWERY FAMILY 3rd)

OS/2 Beer:

Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously w/ out spillage. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold. It was improved to version 2.1, then 3.0, then Merlin 4.0, & lives on in industrial bar use mostly today. Can be served in most any glass, but usually older ones, since it does not recognize newer ones. It goes GREAT & dovetails in perfectly w/ the IBM brewery's TRUE "industrial strength" beer!

OS/400 - ZSeries OS Beer:

TRULY "industrial strength" beer - purely for bar use, & excels in it w/ many faithful customers. Possibly the most intelligent set of directions exist for it while using it on the can, which is very plain-jane, but easily understood. Its only for its OWN IBM glasses (hardware) & never explodes (99.999% uptime) & does not interact well w/ other's beers, or rather, as well as its own in IBM OS/2 variants. It functions w/ others, but it is w/ some minor difficulties compared to OS/2, & requires 3rd party ingredients usually. It does NOT allow you to drink many cans of it @ THE SAME TIME, however, it does allow you to drink them 1 @ a time, VERY FAST!

(OpenSource BREWERY FAMILY 4th)

Linux Beer:

Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Linux Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. The Penguin logo signifies brand loyalty on all Linux beers. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years. Many users of Linux beer claim it is ideal for home use/recreational purposes, but it is ideal for bar use mostly. Many users tend to return to Windows 2000/XP/Server 2003 beers because of the availability of can openers & glasses used for it, & almost ALL are "closet" Windows 2000/XP/Server 2003 beer drinkers in some capacity.

(UNIX BREWERY FAMILY 5th)

Unix Beer:

ALSO Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

(DEC BREWERY 6th)

VMS Beer:

Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top & sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary & referred
to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

(AMIGA BREWERY FAMILY 7th)

AmigaDOS Beer:

Company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by a German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal + loud group. Originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy & colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

================================



* A humorous take on this: I love this one! You guys here can add a few good ones to the ones you choose!

APK